63 days...and finally DONE!!!

Today marks day 63 of John's shutdown at work which has meant 7 days straight of 13 hours days. He did manage to get one day off at Easter and then three days he was able to come home 3 hours earlier BUT for the most part he has been putting in some long and tiring days at work and I have been a single parent. 


Leading up to this turnaround, I was nervous and incredibly worried how I was going to manage the normal day to day, plus dinner, baths and bedtimes (they are in bed when he gets home unless I keep them up which happens more for Peyton than Graham) and then still do it all on the weekends when we have no activities planned. I was scared and seriously doubting my ability to manage. But....I can say...it has gone MUCH better than expected! 


There has been some seriously really rough days but for the most part we have adjusted and are doing pretty well. And what has held us through this was the continued dependence and reliance on Him. I prayed a TON, read verses and reflected on them as much as I could, and daily prayed that He would step in when I was stumbling or getting tired. Yes, there were days where I was really frustrated, not doing praying and being a selfish/crying baby but when I look at the time as a whole, I can say that what has been interesting about this whole experience is how much stronger I am....when I am submissive and dependent on Him....and when we come out on the other end of things or situations I am much more confident in my role as a wife and mother. It has been so true that the challenge of living here and the difficult times has caused tremendous growth in many areas. I have learned so much about myself, how I process things, my feelings/emotions, strengths and weaknesses and am more conscious of my thoughts and perspectives on things and for all of that...I can say that I am thankful for this time. 


I have had some wonderful times of reflection, mediation and quietness which I didn't think would happen with two kids. And I have also had intense amounts of fun hanging out with both of them. We have had many spur of the moment trips to the beach, totally casual dinners...and sometimes cereal for dinner, and at the end of this my relationship with both of them has gotten stronger.


And I was prepared for it to last until we left for our vacation in two weeks. The other day was a really long day at our house and I was tired, overwhelmed, frustrated and so I took a moment and just prayed for some help, strength, perserverance. Within minutes of saying that prayer, I got a text from John that said, "I guess your call into the boss worked, off this weekend and 40 hour weeks until we leave." Not really the same boss he was referring to but "the boss" certainly answered a tired mommy's prayer! So thankful this is done and praying that it really is done and he doesn't have to go back in!

One of those days.

Today was one of those days when at the end of it you just doubt everything you did and your ability to parent and just pray that you are doing things right...and then your toddler tells you that you were "mean" and you feel like poop. 


Here is how I earned the mean mommy award today...


I made Peyton go to school. She loves her school and has fun once she is there but EVERY SINGLE DAY she wakes up, tells me she is not going to school, fights me to get dressed, eat, putting her shoes on and complains the whole way there. She gets out of the car, whines walking to the door and as soon as the door opens hides behind my legs and starts to cling on for dear life. I start talking to her about what fun she will have, what do you want to do after school and eventually the teacher pries her off of me kicking and screaming and I leave. EVERY SINGLE DAY! The only day she ever walked into school with no crying and fits was the day she randomly woke up and said she wanted to go to school...she went because it was her idea.


Then tonight we had ballet. Peyton loves ballet. Loves her outfit, loves her friends and loves class. BUT EVERY SINGLE TIME she tells me how she doesn't want to go and how she wants to do ballet at home with mommy and only after I tell her we need to get ready for ballet. Since we have just started she has only done one class where I left the room like the mom's are supposed to. The teacher doesn't want parents in the class as it is distracting. The time that I did leave she was fine (for some random reason) but today...it was not good. She started whiny, crying, holding onto me. I tried to tell her how much fun she was going to have, bring her over to her friend, distract her and finally I just started counting and told her if we got to three then she was going home. We got to three. I took her out of the room and she flipped out. We talked, and I told her she could try again but no crying and she had to walk into ballet. We go to the door and she flipped out. That was one. We did it two more times and on three I just carried her screaming to the car. We came home, I told her to immediately get out her ballet clothes since she loves them so much and once she calmed down I explained why we left and what was the appropriate response for next time and how we will not participate in ballet if she can't follow the rules and let me leave. We hugged it out and then tonight she told me that she thought I was mean for taking her away from ballet. We talked it out again and she told me we were friends again. And then I left her room and just wanted to cry. 


These two situations combined with the daily battles of eating lunch at the table, brushing your teeth, being nice to Graham and just battle of the wills on EVERYTHING...just make you want to cry. Why is it so hard with her? Why couldn't she just go in and sit in the square and be still and quiet like so many of the other girls at ballet? Why is every day non stop discipline and always getting to two or constant time outs? Why is she so DETERMINED, so INSISTENT on her way, and so INDEPENDENT....


And then I remembered a blog post that I read the other day on Kelly's Korner on how her oldest is also strong willed, opinionated and how as much as we both see our kids as tremendous blessings and sweet girls BUT they are challenging and daily make you hope and pray that we raise them to love God and others. Kelly linked to a post she read by Lysa TerKeurst called, "I Don't Want to Raise a Good Kid," and it was exactly what I needed to read that day, today and tomorrow and then in six months from now. I encourage any moms to read it and especially those moms who like me have spirited children that daily challenge you and your parenting. 


So tonight like many nights...I am praying for God to HELP ME raise Peyton. I pray that I give her the right balance of firmness and grace to grow into an adult that loves God, serves Him, follows Him and is used in extra ordinary ways for His Glory!

Taking care of Mommy

I don't know about other moms but for me, I don't take care of myself as well as I do everyone else. I don't eat regularly, I don't get dressed regularly, I don't make sure I get enough sleep and don't exercise. I just don't make it a priority to take care of myself and as a result my family gets a mediocre version of me. I don't function to the best of my ability without a proper diet, rest, and exercise. And after awhile of neglecting your health you need an intervention which came in the form of my mom! 

When I was in the States, I started as simply as making sure I was eating three meals a day. Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous but I was skipping breakfast or lunch and then getting cranky because I wasn't eating. My mom also helped me get started running again and being active and also just being away from all my daily responsibilities of housework, I actually was going to bed on time. 

So, coming back to Saudi I wanted to make sure I continued and built upon what I started. I started by exercising. When we moved here I had a thousand excuses on why I couldn't work out, mainly because I had no time or no one to watch the kids...and well, I didn't want to and felt overwhelmed with losing all of the weight from my pregnancy and so I found excuses. Instead of allowing myself to see all the reasons why I can't go to the gym, I sat down and looked at what I do have and that is four days a week that Peyton is at school in the mornings and Graham naps. Take out one day for breakfast group and I have three mornings free. What was I doing with those mornings...a whole lot of nothing! Time to change that....now, I put on my workout clothes first thing when I wake up, take Peyton to school, come home, put Graham to sleep for his morning nap and start P90X and workout! Perfect! I make sure all of my stuff is set up in the morning so I have no excuses. And by doing it in the mornings, I have more energy and it is the first thing I do instead of leaving it to the end of the day after everything and when I would rather just go to sleep. 

I also implemented a 10:00 PM bedtime for me. I need sleep and I have learned that I need 9 hours of sleep at a minimum to be a happy, functioning and patient mommy. So, I need to go to bed. No excuses. If it can't get done by 10 PM, it probably wasn't that important or I needed to reprioritize and be purposeful with my time. 

Also, we needed to sleep train Graham. With moving, traveling, more traveling and more traveling...his life has never been consistent and so we just continued to let him eat when he woke up to help us even make it through. That leaves us with a baby who wakes up constantly to eat and two tired parents. John is about to start a turnaround which leaves me alone with the kids 95% of the time and if I am a person who needs sleep then I need to make sure that Graham is sleeping through the night. We have been reducing the amount of formula we give him ate night for the past couple of weeks and then we started sleep training/no more food at night on Sunday night and the first time he cried a bunch and it was a long night but since then he has slept through the night consistently. We have been switching nights in case he does wake up but we are hoping this is the end of middle of the night waking!

Finally, although it seems the simplest, it is the hardest for me...eating three well balanced and healthy meals. Since I have been back I have been trying to eat better but it is so hard. I don't ever have an appetite for what I make the kids, I don't feel like making something different for everyone and I just don't eat as well as I would like. And if I am wanting to lose the last little bit of pregnancy weight and am doing all this work with P90X, I can't eat trash. So, I looked into a new program here on camp with the Carlton Nutrition Center. It is essentially like Jenny Craig but for us. I met with a nutritionist and was surprised how little weight I have left to go to my goal and we went over my calorie needs and sample menus. I picked out my menu for 15 days (I am not doing weekends) and they start delivering my food today! It gets delivered to my house every morning from 5:30-6:00 AM and it contains my breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks for the day. I am hoping this will help me eat regularly, retrain me the right portions and types of food to be eating and help me reach my weight loss goals so I can focus on maintaining and not the daunting task of losing weight. After 15 days, I go back and evaluate what I liked, didn't like, adjust my meal and decide if I want to continue. 

Hoping that all of this helps kick me off in the right direction and I can find the motivation, desire and feeling of significance to continue to take care of myself so I can be a much better wife, mommy and friend!

Adjusting perspective

It is no secret that the move to Saudi has been hard. Prior to going back to the States in November I honestly didn't know how I was going to make it here another six months let alone the five years we wanted to be here. After our time home it is still hard, I still know that my strength and determination alone will not carry us through our time here and that this is all in His hands and we are dependent on Him daily but I feel like the time away from here lifted some big burdens off of me and taught me some important lessons.

One thing I have struggled with tremendously since arriving in Saudi is feeling a sense of uselessness. I felt unfulfilled in my role as a mom and a wife and felt like I wasn't being purposeful. I was discontent. I was a stay at home mom prior to coming so I struggled with understanding why this move all of the sudden made my job less important. For the first six months we were here I struggled with finding joy in folding laundry and making dinners or doing finger painting with Peyton. During our time in the States and being able to be away from the other challenges of living here, have more time to think, gain perspective and through wonderful conversations with different friends, God began to reveal how I needed to adjust my thinking.

Before we moved, although I was a stay at home mom, I was also a group leader for a small group and I served in our church. I felt like I was serving people around me like I was called to do. Then when we moved,  I thought that the only way to be "successful" here would be to start a group, pour into my community daily and when that was not happening or when I realized it would take more time that I thought, instead of seeing how I was being used in the moment and how I had the opportunity to succeed differently, I got down. 

What I was failing to see (and what I wish I realized long before now) was that my greatest mission, greatest job is serving my family. That this time in my life is to serve, pour into, encourage and teach my family more than I ever have before. We don't have a strong children's church like we did and it is my job to teach, show, demonstrate and engage my children in learning about their Savior. My job is to serve my family by doing all the seemingly unimportant chores. My ministry is my husband and supporting him, encouraging him and serving him so he can succeed at work.

I was starting to be convicted of this before we came back from holidays and then since we have been back it has been affirmed time and time again. I was reading a friends blog and she wrote about and article she wrote about the "Myth of ME Time...." 

Me Time is a myth. It is an unattainable, always interruptible, never satisfying piece of junk psychology. Me Time, by its very name, suggests that who we are during the daily grind is not who we truly are. It begs us to search for fulfillment outside of the titles of “wife” and “mother.” It accuses precious little ones and God-given spouses for suppressing us. It reduces motherhood to a disease in which little dirty faces and endless monotonous tasks slowly suck the life out of us. It says we can never be refreshed by spending time in the presence of those we care for day in and day out. It points out a perceived hole in our world that needs to be filled, a tank that must be refueled, a monster that will swallow us if we neglect to feed it Me Time.

You can read the full article here. I do think that "Me Time" is much needed whether you are a mom or a dad and it is an important part of doing my job as a mom well. Someone recently said that time away provides you with emotional resilience, it is like the lubricant for the gears and without it things start to grind together or break down. But what challenged me was how much of my focus during the day was on getting that time for myself and how I looked forward only to when John was home and I could get a break. I thought that I could only be fulfilled, recharge is when I was away. I failed to see how much joy and fulfillment can come from serving your kids, your family and your spouse by caring for them, providing meals for them, a clean house, cuddles and focused time on them. 

The best way to capture everything that has been going on in my head is in the last couple of paragraphs of the article...

We must cease to see the role of wife and mother as a job we put aside at the end of the day. We must do our daily tasks cheerfully, as unto the Lord. We must learn to enjoy being home with our families. We must find contentment in serving others. We should spend more time drinking in the beauty of our children, searching their eyes, holding their hands, being Mom. When we do feel neglected or overworked, we must immediately seek the Lord to refresh us and keep us from sin.

There will be days when we are afforded opportunities to do things alone or with other women, but if we are content in our God-given role, we will no longer cling so tightly to these moments as the only way to save our sanity. Our need for Me Time will fade as we begin to see motherhood as a blessing not to be escaped, but embraced. 

I love that right when I got back to Saudi and when I was starting to sort through what I was being taught, that my friend wrote her blog post. It seemed to just put together all the pieces for me and give me the little extra clarity. I look forward to the next six months, year and longer finding the blessings and contentment in serving my children, husband and my family.

Midweek Ramblings...

I am being bad about blogging for several reasons....

First, nothing is going on. We have a very redundant/boring routine going here and everyday is pretty much the same thing of trying to find things to do around the house, being too hot outside and calling about our shipment. Second, I have been really down and to prevent myself from just writing constant complaining posts I just have been avoiding the blog. Doesn't make much sense when I just wrote that considering I am blogging to keep people in the loop about life here and well right now life is stinky. I am not trying to hide that it is being hard but I am trying to keep myself from dwelling on the (many) bad parts that I am experiencing right now.

Anyways....here is what has been going on....

• We are still waiting to hear if our shipment has cleared customs. We are supposed to called in about three hours to find out. Pretty much if it doesn't leave customs today then we will not be getting our shipment until the middle of September. Huge bummer and really knocked me down hard.
• I finished my Lightroom photography course and am now even more bored. I loved taking it and learned so much. Maybe I can convince John on singing up for another one!
• We were supposed to leave for Abu Dhabi next Friday to see my sister however ALL of John's vacation requests are being challenged which means he might not have the next week off or the time we asked for Christmas. He was supposed to talk to management today and when I called him to ask how it went he told me he would talk to me at home about it and that he really loved me....doesn't sound good.
• If John doesn't have next week off, I am going to Abu Dhabi by myself. I am excited about getting away, spending time with my sister and I am fine with traveling by myself with the kids but I am sad that John won't be able to come with us and make those memories with us.
• And....if he doesn't get off for Christmas then our whole travel home plans are completely up in the air and lots of decisions need to be made on when we are going home, if John will go home, where we will spend Christmas. For the planner that I am...it stinks having your plan done and then it is blown apart.
• Peyton's birthday party is a week from tomorrow. I am excited for her know it is good for us to start making memories here but I am sad. It really makes this home now that she is having birthdays here and without our old friends and family.
• Graham has spent more of his life in Saudi than Texas :(
• We have a second showing for our house in League City today. I want it sold. I want the closure of knowing this is our home and we don't have anywhere to go back to. I want someone to make it their home and make their own memories there BUT I know I will be so sad when it sells because we had so many firsts and memories there.

So....this week has been tough. This move is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. It has shown me so much how I don't relinquish control of my life and trust in my Saviors provision. I thought I did. I thought that agreeing to move, going through that process while pregnant and with a newborn that I learned to trust, fall on my knees and say "I give it to You," BUT I apparently am not good at that. I like my plan, I like my way, I like to have control, know when and how things are happening and this is not the place for people like me. And you know the saddest part....I have had many opportunities since we have been here to realize the error of my way and fall on my face and ask for forgiveness but I haven't...instead I just get mad, depressed and blame everything and everyone besides myself and my pride. I just keep thinking about how when I am trying to parent Peyton and she constantly continues to do the one thing I told her not to and see consistently sees the same results which often are not pleasant but yet she still does it. I think to myself how stubborn she is and how I just don't understand how she can't figure out not to do it....but....isn't that what I am modeling for her. I am modeling self reliance, stubbornness, pride and lack of trust in our Father. I am failing. I feel so defeated. But I have a Savior, I have a rescuer and I have something greater than myself and my abilities to plan. And it annoys me that I don't always cling to that and time after time I continue to be self reliant. I am a stubborn toddler!

I could ramble more and more but I need to get lunch ready....as you can see....a rough couple of weeks for sure....

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Update:

John informed that he was told he was told this morning that he would not be allowed to take any vacation during the month of September or December. Not sure when he is allowed to us all of his vacation days but whatever. So, I am going to Abu Dhabi for a week by myself. We are driving together as a family on the Friday, John will fly to Saudi so I can have the car and then fly back the next weekend to pick us up....oh...and he won't see Peyton on her actual birthday. Nice. And I have to decide what to do about Christmas/December. I feel so knocked down right now....

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband and father of my two precious children....

John, you are such a wonderful Dad. Peyton and Graham both light up and are full of smiles and excitement whenever you come home from work. Thank you for working as hard as you do and allowing our children to have me home with them during the day. Thank you for how much you serve them and give of your time and love. Thank you for the guidance and discipline you give Peyton. Thank you for showing Peyton what a husband should be and how much you love her and value her. Thank you for consistently showing up every day and doing an amazing job. You are a strong, God honoring, wonderful father who we are so blessed to have!

Photo by Jessica Clarkson of Clarkson Photography

Also, Happy Father's Day to my wonderful Dad!

I am so beyond blessed to have had a Dad who was present both physically and emotionally growing up. My dad is pretty much awesome! He consistently provided for us and no matter how busy he was at work he always was there and present in our lives. He was at games, horse riding lessons, school events, dinners at home. My dad lead us with a stern hand that at times was annoying and frustrating but I am thankful for the guidance that has allowed me to achieve all that I have and guide me towards a relationship with my Savior and allows me to be a better wife, mom and person. My dad is funny and weird at times. And my Dad is an amazing Papa! Thank you for loving my children as much as you do. Thank you for all the times you just came to pick Peyton up to go to the store so I could have a break. Thank you for being another positive male role model in Peyton's life so she can see what a Godly husband and father should be. Thank you for helping us set the bar for her future mate high. I look forward to seeing your relationship with Peyton grow more and more and also yours with Graham as he gets older. I am excited about seeing you interact with a little boy and see that side of you. Thank you for the wonderful father you have and are to me and for the wonderful Papa you are and will continue to be!

Generosity

Generosity.....is the habit of giving freely without expecting anything in return. It can involve offering time, assets or talents to aid someone in need. Often equated with charity as a virtue, generosity is widely accepted in society as a desirable trait.

I have overwhelmed by the generosity of people on our camp. I knew that it was a tight community, that people tend to help each other since we are all far away from home and going through the same stuff but the level of which people have blessed us has exceeded my expectations and really challenged me in how I respond to others and show generosity.

Before we arrived, we were put in touch with a family who answered questions, gave us advice, went and bought tons of food to stock our house so we wouldn't have to run out and do groceries right away. Showed us around camp, invited us out places, took John to get our dog at the airport and really made the first few weeks amazing. They were so helpful and still are in introducing us to people and places, giving us tips and phone numbers and welcoming us into their home and family. They have been tremendously generous with their time and have been amazing! Everyone needs someone like them prior to moving overseas!

Upon arriving, we had neighbors come over asking us if we needed anything, introducing themselves and even stopping by on their way into town asking if they could pick up food etc for us because we were new. Or inviting us out with them on shopping trips or to take us places anytime. I have been convicted on how we didn't make the first step in meeting neighbors back home and welcoming them to the community. We missed out on an opportunity to serve them. I am challenged to not let that happen here and remember how much I appreciated their thoughtfulness. We have consistently had people just walk up and ask if we are new (it is a tight community) and immediately introduce themselves and ask if we need anything. They often ask for our number and call to invite us out to stuff. The other morning a lady called and invited out to a weekly breakfast/coffee with a bunch of other ladies and many have kids. Everyone is generous with the relationships and community that they already created and so welcoming to include you.

A co worker of John's let us borrow an extra TV and DVD player so we would have something, another person offered to take John into Khobar one night to shop all night. He took a whole night away from his wife and three kids just to take John shopping to get things we needed. He also gave us old cell phones he had so we could use them until we could go get our own. The same friend who let us borrow a TV also let us borrow his golf cart while he went home for three weeks to help get around and it has been amazing. People offer to pick up and take John home from work in the morning and during lunch time and at night so he doesn't have to ride the bus.

And then the other night another co worker of John's who has two cars and his family just left for the summer came over and brought us his GMC Yukon to use during the summer around camp. Seriously! He just came over and gave us his car to drive around camp! You have no idea what an answer to prayer that is! I had no idea what I was going to do when we had to return the golf cart next week. I had no idea how we would get to swimming or friends houses or do anything around camp besides sit at home and this is beyond amazing. I can't believe it and we should be able to buy a car before his family comes home so we essentially have a car from now on. We can't (and have NO desire at all) to drive his car off camp as we don't have an Iqama (residence permit) or a drivers license but we can get around camp which is huge! I can get to the clinic, to swimming lessons, our friends houses, to the commissary, to the dining area etc! I am so thankful and singing praises!

So, I have been experiencing tremendous generosity all over by many people and in many different way even beyond what I mentioned above and have been convicted to really evaluate my level of generosity, what are the barriers that have keep me from being as generous I should be with the resources I have been blessed with. I am excited about learning what the Word has to say more about generosity and how to apply it. But I challenge you as well to really look at your life...ask if you are truly as generous as you should be? Do you give freely of time, friendship, resources, money as you should? I challenge you and myself to be generous people... what a difference we could make for the kingdom!

Learning from My Kids

Becoming a parent you are very aware of the tremendous responsibility you have to teach, guide, and be an example to your children. And then you are humbling amazed when you realize how much they teach you about life and how much we can learn from them and their perspective on things.

The other night on the way home from shopping at Lulu's I just started crying. I don't know what set it off but I wanted to go home right then and not to our home at Ras Tanura. I wanted to go home to League City.

I sat there trying to hide my tears from Peyton who was thankfully watching movies on the iPad and just cried. I mostly was crying for normalcy again. I was sad, mad and annoyed that we had just spent 5 hours total driving to the grocery store, shopping and then driving back and that the trip was all dependent on a taxi and then even if we had a car it would be dependent on when John was home because I didn't have the freedom to just go by myself. I was sad that I didn't have as much freedom as I used to and that shopping for food is no long an errand but a big event. I was sad. I was crying to myself and then I started having a honest conversation with God. I told Him I was sad, I told Him I was annoyed and frustrated and this is what He told me....

Look at your precious children. Look how they are handling this. They are adapting, they are happy, they get to see their dad for lunch, the whole evening and are adjusting well. Peyton knows it takes a hour plus to get places and doesn't whine and cry about it and is patient and really well behaved in the car, she didn't do that back in League City. When we are out shopping she listens, stays with me and doesn't throw fits because she knows it is a new place, different culture and I need her to listen. She has adapted to eating whatever I make for her because I refuse to make a second meal for her here. She knows that we have to take taxis or busses places or walk and she has to sit in her stroller and she does it without protesting like before. She knows she has to put sunscreen on every morning before we leave the house. She knows and reminds me that I have to put my "dress" on if we go shopping. She is positive about meeting new people and doesn't care if they are older, younger, different than she is. She seeks after them, introduces herself right away and finds some common ground to go off of. She is not insecure, she is not afraid and she just goes after meeting people with enthusiasm. Graham is content. He sleeps in his car seat or just sits and looks around. He hated his car seat before. He takes his bottles in the car seat when we are driving and before only would have them if you were holding him. He will not scream when he has a wet diaper while we are shopping as if he knows we just can't change it right away. When we are out, he falls asleep on his own and without being rocked because he knows we can't.

Learn from your children. Be like a child and adapt. The things that are important are all they care about...food, clothing, shelter and love. I have all of those things. Yes, being here in Saudi...they are all different but they are here and He has provided food, clothing, shelter and love for us.

So, I need to suck it up and be like my children and just adapt. There is no point in wishing for how things were or what is "normal" to me. This is my new normal. This is my life. I need to figure it out and just be like Peyton and Graham and adjust with NO WHINING!

Another week down

We have been in Saudi for three weeks now. It seems like we just got here. We are still completely out of place/no routines/not settled and are just trying to make it day by day. Someday this will feel like home but we are not there yet.

We have had a busy couple of days since our last post on Tuesday which have helped a bunch! On Wednesday we went in the morning with our friends to have coffee at the little cafe here called the Carlton Lounge (my new favorite place) on the beach and we met up with another mom and her friend. We had so much fun and I loved hanging out with them. We all clicked really well and the conversation just flowed and I am really excited to hang out with them more this summer especially since they are both not going home (one of them is pregnant and due in September with her second). Then that afternoon I had a welcome tea at the Women's Group and was able to join the Women's Group and meet a couple of ladies who have been here for awhile and get some encouragement that it does get better! One of the ladies has been here for 31 years! Then that night after dinner we went as a family to the beach and walked around and picked up sea shells and then went and had some coffee and dessert back at the Carlton Lounge (I told you it was my new favorite place). They have amazing cakes, great coffee drinks (I had a frozen mocha), yummy lemonades and just a nice place to go and relax. They have other food such as sandwiches, huge breakfast croissants, pizzas and burgers so we will be there often. I am already thinking about making it a Wednesday night tradition. It was such a nice way to kick off the weekend with some relaxing family time on the beach and then dessert. I love the beach and it is such a nice way to unwind after a long week. I have always felt close to God when I am outdoors and enjoying nature especially the ocean. It reminds me how big and awesome our Creator is. I am thinking I will have to go down there often for some solitude and reflection.

Thursday was a good day but a long and pretty stressful at times. We took the shoppers bus into Khobar for the first time and it left at 8 AM and came home at 3 PM which is a LONG day for an adult let alone a toddler. We wanted to go to the mall originally but one of our biggest "wish we didn't ship that" items is a stroller that allows us to snap Graham's car seat into it. I brought the double Baby Jogger City Mini stroller which we love and use daily especially around camp but when we go on the bus, I insist on putting Graham in his car seat and that means you have to haul around a heavy baby in a heavy car seat while you shop which is impossible if I am by myself because I have a toddler as well that wants to be carried etc. So, instead of the mall we went to the Ikea/Toys R Us shopping area to look for a stroller. We found a Chicco Trevi which is great! It is a lightweight umbrella like stroller but is still compatible with our Chicco car seat. They only had the floor model left in stock but we took it. We then looked around and found a garden store and found some large flower pots that we will be going back for and then we looked around at some more stores, went to Ikea, had lunch at Ikea during prayer time, shopped and then realized we still had 2.5 hours until the bus came! And it was after prayer so many stores were closed. No fun! We somehow entertained ourselves and made it on the bus and back home but it was a long day.

I will be honest though I was pretty miserable and made sure John knew about it. I didn't handle the heat, difficulty of two kids and the frustration of the situation well. I reacted with anger, frustration and blamed everyone. I let my emotions get the best of me, I was not showing any good fruit. It was ugly. I was depending on myself, my control, my planning etc to get us through the day and well that wasn't working. I was not depending on anyone, not seeking help from anyone. I failed. It was a ugly lesson in my need to stop, pray, recite scripture, seek Him.... depend on God instead of my own abilities because I am failing! I never realized until now how much I relied on friends, shopping breaks, my family as sources of encouragement and assistance. Things got frustrating or challenging I would call my close friends, go to see my mom, or go shopping or get a Starbucks. Here...I don't have those outlets to retreat to....I have to be dependent on my Savior first and as hard as it is to not have family/friends/freedom to shop/Starbucks on each corner.....it is a good thing to learn how to rely on Him first. Hard lesson right now but a good one.

When we got home, Peyton had a long nap and woke up way too late so we went swimming to try and tire her out so she would sleep. She had a blast with John and did really well.

Today we were all exhausted. I was in a little bit of pain from carrying Peyton around a bunch yesterday so we rested and caught up on laundry and we had a Skype date with my Dad! So much fun! We Skyped with my sister Ashley earlier in the week and I love it. This coming week we will be starting swimming lessons for Peyton on Sundays and Tuesdays and I am going to join the photography group and attend their monthly meeting. I am also hoping to get the paint for Peyton's room and start on that.

Peyton is really missing my parents and keeps asking to go see G and Papa. She told me today that she was sad. I asked her why and she said, "G and Papa not at new house, I want to go to old house and see G and Papa, please mommy." It broke my heart. She doesn't understand and just wants to have her family near here. All I could say to her was that I wish we could see them too.

So another week down....another week of hard lessons, a week of new experiences....a week closer to when we get to go home and see family.....off to start another week in the Magic Kingdom!

A new day

Thank you everyone for all your prayers, encouraging words and advice. I was overwhelmed by friends love and am so thankful for Facebook where I can receive such encouragement even this far away.

I woke up yesterday determined to have a better perspective and to cling tightly to the Word in order to make sure my perspective would be better! It was still a challenging day at times but overall a better day.

I called a taxi...they came on time yesterday...and decided to go shopping with the kids. I am having a hard time being at home all the time so we went out to a store I have been wanting to visit called Desert Design and I found some fun ethnic looking table cloths, one for my table when it comes and the other for our kitchen where I am going to turn it into a curtain. I got the idea from my friend Lindsey. We then went to Ikea to pick up some more stuff that we have been needing, a bookcase for Peyton, storage baskets and some miscellaneous stuff. I still need to pick up the patio chairs I want for the front but I ran out of room in my cart and couldn't run back in because prayer was about to start. We survived our first solo shopping trip and Peyton was wonderful and super funny. She said some pretty random stuff at times which will have to be another conversations with Peyton post and Graham was wonderful once I just feed him again in Ikea even though it had been only 2 hours....I am starting to think he needs to up his formula.

And when I got home I found out our air shipment would be delivered that afternoon and so I spent the evening putting stuff away, VACUUMING my house, playing with Peyton and her puzzles, sidewalk chalk and other toys (she was so happy) and being excited about all my cooking/baking supplies that I have to start using! We also put Peyton's bookcase together and made her reading corner (I found these fun pillows at Ikea for the floor) and I am loving her room and how it is coming together.

So, it was a challenging day at times but I kept Psalm 118 close to me and read it constantly throughout the day. Two different friends the other day gave me the advice that I desperately needed to hear/be reminded. One was to hold on to the Word like it was my lifeline. I haven't been covering my days with the Word. I haven't sought scripture daily and I need to. That it is the one constant in my day and life, the one thing that will never change no matter where I am or what is going on. The other piece of advice was to learn from my time in the valley. I was telling my friend how I was just ready for our stuff to come, for people to come back to camp and for our car etc and she reminded me that that we are put in a valley for a reason and to make sure that I don't just look towards the mountain but use this time to truly learn and grow how I need to. Be purposeful even when you are not on the mountain top....

Please pray that I hold fast to those pieces of advice. That I daily seek scripture and use this as a time to memorize and apply scripture to my days more than ever before and that I learn what I am supposed to from this time in the valley and I can look back on the mountain top and see growth.

Psalm 118

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!

His faithful love endures forever.

Let all Israel repeat:

“His faithful love endures forever.”

Let Aaron’s descendants, the priests, repeat:

“His faithful love endures forever.”

Let all who fear the Lord repeat:

“His faithful love endures forever.”

In my distress I prayed to the Lord,

and the Lord answered me and set me free.

The Lord is for me, so I will have no fear.

What can mere people do to me?

Yes, the Lord is for me; he will help me.

I will look in triumph at those who hate me.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord

than to trust in people.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord

than to trust in princes.

Though hostile nations surrounded me,

I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord.

Yes, they surrounded and attacked me,

but I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord.

They swarmed around me like bees;

they blazed against me like a crackling fire.

But I destroyed them all with the authority of the Lord.

My enemies did their best to kill me,

but the Lord rescued me.

The Lord is my strength and my song;

he has given me victory.

Songs of joy and victory are sung in the camp of the godly.

The strong right arm of the Lord has done glorious things!

The strong right arm of the Lord is raised in triumph.

The strong right arm of the Lord has done glorious things!

I will not die; instead, I will live

to tell what the Lord has done.

The Lord has punished me severely,

but he did not let me die.

Open for me the gates where the righteous enter,

and I will go in and thank the Lord.

These gates lead to the presence of the Lord,

and the godly enter there.

I thank you for answering my prayer

and giving me victory!

The stone that the builders rejected

has now become the cornerstone.

This is the Lord’s doing,

and it is wonderful to see.

This is the day the Lord has made.

We will rejoice and be glad in it.

Please, Lord, please save us.

Please, Lord, please give us success.

Bless the one who comes in the name of the Lord.

We bless you from the house of the Lord.

The Lord is God, shining upon us.

Take the sacrifice and bind it with cords on the altar.

You are my God, and I will praise you!

You are my God, and I will exalt you!

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!

His faithful love endures forever.

Warning: Big Vent Post

Consider this a warning....this post is going to be full of complaining and venting...I need to get it off my chest....I need to remember this time so when things are good and we are settled I can look back and see how much God has worked here and in our lives. So, if you don't want to read my complaints....come back tomorrow.

I am tired of being here. I want to go home but I don't have a home to go back to. Yes our house hasn't sold but it is empty. I also am not in possession of our passports as the company has them to process of residence visa and then a visa to let us exit/enter the Kingdom as we please. I am stuck. Stuck here and miserable.

I am tired of not having my stuff. I am tired of my dirty house because I still don't have my air shipment that has a vacuum. I am tired of not having crafts, toys, anything to entertain Peyton.

I am tired of being home ALL THE TIME! I want to go shopping, I want to explore but I am stuck at home. I can't take a taxi into the main shopping area because it is too expensive. I can't take the bus because I have two little kids and it is next to impossible. I spend all day, everyday inside a house that has nothing and I hate.

I hate the on camp taxi service (today at least). After trying to reserve a taxi earlier in the morning to take us to clinic at 9:45 AM, I was told to call back at 9:00 AM because it was too early. Call at 9:00 AM...oh...NO TAXIS available. Argue...get one to come at 10:00 AM....10:20 AM....no taxi....call again...."sorry ma'm....on way. Arrives at 10:30 AM. Get the clinic 40 minutes late.

I hate the clinic right now. I have no ability to book appointments for myself and the kids so John has to do it for us. Had an appointment today for a medical evaluation that the company scheduled for us. Asked John to confirm that was for real (already went last week to have blood taken from all of us....including my two little kids....NOT FUN). Appointment was apparently for real. After dealing with the taxi I haul all my kids inside with car seats because I was not sure how long we would be and didn't want the taxi to wait and pay for it. Try to check in....they have NO appointment for us. Have no idea what I am talking about. Leave. Try to call taxi...busy signal...call again...no taxi available. Wait for bus...wait for a hour. Bus arrives and drives us to stop closest to our house and I now carry Graham in his car seat and my diaper bag and try to convince Peyton to walk the 10 minutes home, instead she sits on the sidewalk and cries in the 107 degree heat. Finally get us all home.

I am tired of all the annoying paperwork/processes to get settled. Had to get a new temporary ID to replace my current temporary ID yesterday. Took a taxi,made it to ID office only to be completely ignored by the men at reception. Finally get them to acknowledge me...don't have the right certified copy of my passport. Call John and he comes to help and as soon as he arrives they are all so helpful to him and tell him to tell me what to do. Nice. I get to do it again in two weeks when our iqama comes in.

I am scared and mad that John will be at a training course 120 km away in the middle of the dessert from Sunday-Wednesday at the end of this month leaving me alone with the kids in a foreign country with no car, nothing in our house, no activities, no community.

I am frustrated because some of my big concerns that were addressed by recruiting/relocation adviser are actually still concerns. I specifically insisted that there was a full time pediatrician on our camp and not one that is only accessible at the main camp. I was told there was. Turns out there is...if you count one day a week as full time. There are several other doctors with some pediatric experience but not a pediatrician. I am mad about that.

I am frustrated because I brought up the transportation concern. I was told the buses ran ALL the time so I could easily go without the kids. They don't. The ones on the main camp do but not ours. There is only one a week that leaves after John gets home. And if I did take the kids I would have to be gone from 8-2:30 PM and would have to manage two kids, car seats and any purchases by myself and then walk the 10 minutes from the stop home with all my stuff. I was told that another option since we had car seats would be to rent a taxi for the afternoon/day and it was not expensive...$50 max. Well, for four hours the other day it was around $150. That is not cheap. It was $50 to drive one way to visit my friend 40 minutes away.

I am trying to remember that at one point in time I felt like this was God's plan for us. I am trying to remember that just because it is tough doesn't mean that it wasn't His will or that we aren't supposed to be here. I am trying to remember that tough times are times of growth and that none of this is a surprise to God. He is above the details of transportation and paperwork. I need to be depending on Him more than I am. I need to pray boldly. I need to seek comfort in Him. I need to remember that I am blessed. I have two healthy children, I have a house, my husband has a job, I have my health and I have a community of friends who love us and pray for us even if we don't live in the same country. I am blessed.

Such a big girl

Peyton turned 2.5 years old just before Graham was born and having Graham has really shown me how big she is and how grown up she has gotten. She has such a big and strong personality and it is such a delight (not so much during the intense temper tantrums) to see her become her own person.

Peyton is a "myself" kind of girl. She is very opinionated on how things are to be done and she must do everything. She is very stubborn and would rather not do something or have something than ask for help and then when she asks for help she typically watches how you did it, undoes it and then does it herself. She loves to help clean, pick up her toys and is a big helper.

She is talking non stop, repeats everything and I love having conversations with her. She is also really funny and comes up with crazy stories and cracks herself up. She is constantly surprising me with everything she knows and can tell you shapes, all the letters, count up to 15 (maybe higher but I have only gone that high), most colors (when she isn't being silly and telling you everything is blue) and is so much more aware of the world, how things work than I ever thought she would be at this age.

As strong willed and difficult as she can be, Peyton is very polite. I took her on a date on Sunday to see Disney on Ice Toy Story 3 and was so impressed with how well behaved and polite she was. She held my hand the whole time and followed instructions. When we ordered some water and her cotton candy she went up to the counter and said "excuse me, water and cotton candy please," and then when we got our stuff said, "thank you, have good day." I was so impressed with her! She has lately been saying please, thank you, no please (instead of no thankyou) and just been really polite. While she can be difficult...when she wants to she can be so compliant and sweet and easy!

She has adjusted as I expected to her role as a sister. She is jealous but never acts out on Graham but directs it towards us which I am relieved about. She does love to sing to him and talk to him and loves it when he is awake and looking at her. Peyton insists every night on giving him a kiss and a "big hug" and prays for him without being prompted. She is learning how to wait patiently, share her mommy and daddy. I am sure she would be much more interested if Graham didn't fuss so much and was older and could interact with her.

I am finally finding my groove with her and we are working well together. I am learning that I have to be more stern with her than I naturally am and that is hard to do and remember. I can't relax an inch on discipline because then she will take a mile. I have learned that clothes don't have to match, that it is ok to wear black boots with shorts when you are getting the mail, that letting her have (parent directed) choices makes for a happier Peyton and Mommy, that Peyton needs time to transition from one actiity to the next and is pretty happy to oblige when you give her time to adjust.

I wa going through our books the other day and came across the book by Gary Chapman called Five Love Languages...it is meant for marriage but briefly looked over it and tried to think about Peyton and what her love languages are. I am still narrowing it down and I am sure she will change but currently I am learning that Peyton has a strong need for words of affirmation (just like her daddy). When we were heading home from our date and I told her how proud I was of her and how well behaved and polite she was, she glowed. Peyton also loves quality time (just like mommy) with just mommy or just daddy and even more so after Graham's arrival.

Peyton, I feel so blessed to be your mommy and love you so much! I hope you always know that we love you and that you have a heavenly Father who loves you so much more than we do.

My two reasons to smile

Monday was a hard day.

John is back to work completly now (he went only Wednesday, Thursday last week) so I really do need to start figuring out this two kid by myself all day business.

Tomorrow will be my first attempt to take them both out of the house at the same time. We are just going to bible study at the front of our subdivision but it will still be an accomplishment if we all survive. And it is my first time driving in three weeks.

I am still in pain. I am now on two antibiotics. My doctor had to probe around my incinsion which was torture. And I get to go back again later this week.

So, in attempt to make me smile and help pass the day I did something yesterday that I enjoy but never have time to do even before Graham came around...I took pictures. And I did bribe Peyton with a movie to get her to cooperate in some of them.

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

They are nothing professional but it was a fun activity and I captured pictures of my two reasons to smile and count my blessings no matter how overwhelmed, emotional and a mess I may feel.

These are my precious gifts from God and my rewards from 75 weeks of pregnancy total, lots of nasesousnes, doctor's appointments, vomitting, stretch marks, tears and many pounds later...and I am so thankful!

Psalm 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

Psalm 139:13-16 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

It is not like riding a bike...

I don't have much time to blog....actually don't have much time to eat/shower/go to the bathroom....but I will try to get quick post in while Peyton is watching her morning cartoons and Graham is sleeping. Having another baby is not like riding a bike......when you learn to ride a bike you typically don't forget how to do it and when you try again years later, it will hopefully come naturally back to you. For the most part how to care for a baby has come back and in ways it easier....you know that they are supposed to sleep a bunch, you know how to give a bath/change a diaper/burp/how often to eat, basic schedule of a newborn, what is normal and what isn't etc...but there are still things that totally take you off guard. Things that you thought you would know how to do and would be even easier than before but apparently you don't and they are harder. For instance, breast feeding...I breastfed Peyton until she was 14 months old. I loved it! I loved the time it took because I could cuddle with her, interact with her and I felt connected. Besides the first couple of days at the hospital it was easy. She latched on well, quickly became an efficient eater so it really only took about 30 minutes pretty early on and overall it didn't feel like it was that much of a commitment or issue. Like I said...I did it for 14 months and was sad to stop so I must of enjoyed that time. This time however, to be honest I am having a hard time. My incinsion still hurts and so sitting and breastfeeding hurts. I hate the time it takes and hate sitting there feeding for 45-60 minutes. Mostly I hate the time because it takes me away from Peyton. Graham is not having an easy time of latching on and sometimes it still takes forever for him to latch on and he is not efficient so it takes forever for him to eat and then when he is apparently "done" after those 45-60 minutes, he burps and then frantically looks for more food and since I am so tired from feeding for the past hour, I get him a bottle of formula and he downs another 2-3 ounces easily. I am also feeding him closer to every 2.5 hours as opposed to starting to stretch to 4 like the doctor has suggested. So, I am having a hard time with the decision to breast feed. I made the commitment with both of them to give it 6-8 weeks because it takes time to get used to something new but unlike with Peyton I am concerned that we are getting closer to that deadline and it is not getting easier and I will quit and then I have to deal with all of the emotions of feeling guiltly that I breastfed Peyton and not Graham. I guess I will deal with that then... Another thing I have learned that isn't so much baby related but recovery related is that your recovery is not always easier. The early parts (first two weeks) of my recovery this time was easier but lately that has changed. Long story short, I noticed my incinsion being pretty painful and red, had a fever, experiencing chills/hot flashes and ended up spending five hours at the ER on Thursday night. After some blood work and a CT scan to check for an abssess...I was given an IV of antibiotics and a perscription for antibiotics and a diagnosis of cellutitits, a skin infection. What that visit also left me with was 48 hours of no breastfeeding. The CT scan had to be done with contrast which takes 24 hours to get out of your system and the radiologist suggested I wait 48 hours before feeding. So, I spent 48 hours pumping milk and dumping it down the drain while Graham got 48 hours of easy, no work, no latching on bottle feeding....certainly doesn't help in the improving breastfeeding area. I go back to my doctor today to check my incinsion and I think it looks a little better but is still red and swollen in some areas. To say the least, I am frustrated. I want to continue to progress in recovery and not take steps back. A pretty downer post I know but it is the truth....I am so thankful that God has blessed us with these two children but I want to be honest with life and how things are going because I am a firm believer that as a community of believers (or if you aren't a believer, a community of moms/women) that we need to be real and learn from each others experiences. So, no matter how wonderful both Peyton and Graham are or what a joy they are, it is hard and I am having a hard time physically and emotionally. I am trying to remember to draw near to God and focus on his promises in scripture...

"fear not, for I am with you;be not dismayed, for I am your God;I will strengthen you, I will help you,I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." —Isaiah 41:10

"The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights." - Habakkuk 3:19

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

38 Weeks

We made it to 38 weeks and not a week longer...as we get to meet Graham today! Finally!



I was thinking this morning around 2 AM (and discussed the same topic prior to going to bed) when I couldn't sleep and I was thirsty but I couldn't drink anything (or eat after midnight) of how different this whole pregnancy was and that with so much going on in day to day life of being a mom to a toddler plus any other stuff that you are dealing with and lately we have been going through a bunch...you just don't have the chance to sit and dwell and get anxious and the fact that you have done this all before takes the newness out of it. It is a weird feeling. Doctors appointments, shopping, registering, making the nursery and reading baby books all feel like an item on a to-do list because you are just trying to get through your day huge, uncomfortable and pregnant while managing a strong willed and opinionated toddler. And when your pregnancy involves three months of vomiting, three months of cramping and three months of constant monitoring and blood work...it gets old. Don't get me wrong, I feel beyond blessed and am so thankful to be able to become pregnant again and carry this baby to past full term. But I have been so scared that I am never going to have that excited feeling and forget about how I am scared I can't have enough room in my heart to love him like Peyton. So, unlike the first time when you are scared about bringing home a baby, what to do, when to feed him etc, this time it is a different and more complex set of fears and emotions.

Well, today when I finally gave up on sleep around 5 AM I woke up with an anticipation and excitement. I even talked to Graham and told him to get ready because around 9:30 AM someone was pulling him out whether he was awake and ready or not! I can't wait to hold him, I know that God will give me the capacity to love him just as much as Peyton but in different ways and to appreciate the unique man that he will be. I am trusting in God and having faith that He will continue to guide us and give us the right discernment in raising Graham as He has been our source of strength with Peyton. I am ready and so excited and made sure to wear waterproof mascara!

Off we go to the hospital.....

Breakfast with Friends

Two years ago, John and I ventured out and following God's calling decided to become Navigators of a small group. Our church is centered around small groups and feel that the best growth and the best way to help each other become fully devoted followers of Jesus Christ is through a small group setting. Stepping up from just being members of a group to leading a completely new group was scary but God so richly blessed us with an amazing group of people and a wonderful experience. That first group lasted about 16 months before one couple moved to Saudi Arabia and then the rest of us decided to split into two groups to support our church's mission of multiplying groups. John and I are now leading a group with one of the other "original couples."

Well, the couple that moved to Saudi Arabia in August, The Perry's, were in town for a visit and we all gathered Saturday morning for breakfast (minus one wife who was out of town) and enjoyed a wonderful time of fellowship, hearing about how God is moving through them in Saudi, what everyone else is up to and also watching all of our children play together.

What is amazing is that when we started this group the only kids that were born were Peyton and then the Perry's son, Gavin who were only around 6 months old at the time........

In addition to Peyton and Gavin, another couple was pregnant at the time with their first due 6 months after our group started, so essentially three kids at the start of our group..... NOW....we have five kids that are born, Graham on the way and another one on the way in July....7 KIDS!!! Talk about multiplying in another way! And I think it is amusing that Peyton is the only girl among those seven!

Even though we are all not in small group every week together and one of us lives in another country, we are still all there for each other, praying for each other, guiding each other and helping each other learn to love God and others more. It has been such a wonderful example of how biblical community should work and we have been immeasurably blessed by these relationships in addition to the relationships we have formed in past small groups.

It was a wonderful Saturday morning for sure!

Welcome 2011

Happy New Year! I am so excited about 2011 mostly because we get to meet precious Graham this year!

I normally really enjoy making New Year's resolutions but this year I have decided that my only resolution is to make it through the year! I know that may sound silly but with all of the known changes (adding another member to our family) as well as all of the unknown to come, I would be so happy and content if at this time next year we are doing as well as we are now.

This year has brought tremendous growth in regards to my relationship with God and when I look back 2010 ranks as one of the top years where I learned more about God's character, my relationship with him and my need to depend on Him consistently rather than myself. I grew a bunch! Also, this past year John and I invested a large amount of time to working on and strengthening our marriage. I am happy where we are and we have a wonderful God centered and God dependent marriage. We are doing good and it feels so nice to be able to say that! I am blessed that Peyton is healthy and growing up to be a sweet and very strong willed little girl. I am finally finding my groove in disciplining her with grace but sternness and we are having much more good days than bad. With all of the changes that I know Graham will bring to our lives (all good but still change) and all of the unknown to come in the new year, I will be happy to be just as we are now.

So, Happy New Year to everyone and I pray for blessings for you and your family this coming year!