Midweek Ramblings...

This week has been such a roller coaster. With being excited and feeling great about riding again to the very next day just crying with frustration and hatred (yes I know that is a strong word) for where we are right now. As dramatic as it sounds, unfortunately I feel like that roller coaster and constant up and down is way too much of the norm here.

Lets recap some random moments of the week and document the highs and lows....

• High- I did a photo shoot of triplets about a week and half ago. I finished up the edits and sent the gallery to the mom and she LOVED them. Tons of praise and I was so pleased with how they turned out considering it was only my second shoot and my first doing babies...and there were three of them!
• Low- we no longer have swimming lessons as the coach is taking some personal leave. Which means nothing to do two afternoons a week. I was planning on just taking Peyton myself and keeping with the consistent routine of having a babysitter come for Graham and we go but the first time we tried, she said she didn't want to swim without her teacher and she was scared of the big pool which is so far from the truth. In the end we left early, frustrated because she wouldn't even play and I told the babysitter we would call her when we got back because I didn't want to pay her and have the hassle of all of it if Peyton wouldn't even play at the pool.
• Low- I locked myself out of the house while I was leaving to get Peyton from school which meant I couldn't get in the car to drive to the other side of camp. John also left his keys at home that day so he got a ride to the lock out office while I walked to get Peyton from school. A friend saw me walking and gave me and Graham a ride which was a huge help but it didn't help my already bad...I have had it with Saudi...day.
• High- Riding on Sunday day night for the first time forever and then my lesson on Tuesday. My lesson was so much fun and both the riding instructor and I had a blast. She teaches a lot of beginners/kids here so she had fun teaching me and able to use "real" horse riding words. We had fun! I am amazed at how easily it has come back and I just love being out at the stable and soaking it all in.
• Low...really, really big and consistent low- Childcare or the lack of it. I stayed home before we came so I know what it is like but I don't know if it is the addition of another baby, living here, the removal of conveniences such as quick outings to give you a break, grandparents or maybe it is a combination of everything but I am going crazy. I am so drained and so worn out from parenting....yes, feel free to say that all parents are. I am also frustrated with the availability of all these great amenities such as great exercise classes, horse riding but yet I can't do them because I have Graham in the mornings while Peyton is at school. Or I can't ease the burden of grocery shopping during the week because I have both of them and there is no bus that leaves to get me back before Peyton gets out of school or leaves after school. It has worked out great with a consistent person for when we do swimming but now if I want to ride in the mornings which is when my lesson was this week because the riding instructor has no availability at night time and the babysitter can't come in the mornings, I have to find a different person. So, now I have two different people coming for a total 6 hours a week and it takes to much coordination and reliance on too many different people and schedules. I also hate that Graham is just the one that just is passed off. I never have a break from being mom. I have no where to go by myself or go do something by myself and now with the possibility of riding being that outlet the whole childcare issue comes back up. And honestly some things that are supposed to be "fun" and breaks such as play dates/coffee gatherings are not all that fun when you are dealing with a toddler and a baby while everyone else just has one child (either they are only children or the other one is off somewhere at a friends house, their husbands work weird schedules so they are home for two weeks and then gone for three nights (pilots) or at home with the nanny). I don't ever get to visit, relax and so it is really hard to get to know people without always looking like the frazzled/overwhelmed/crazy lady....which is pretty much a true description.
• High- We had two really fun play dates. One was a Halloween party we went to and then yesterday we had some friends over to play. Since I had everyone over here it was easier on me for sure. I was able to get Graham to nap before they came and he woke up about half way through but I had all my toys/stuff to entertain him. It was a fun afternoon and I love hosting/setting up the table with fun decor and it was a nice afternoon.
• Low- I am frustrated with losing weight from my pregnancy with Graham. Not so much the lack of progress because honestly I haven't put much effort into it. Not because I don't want to but because I don't have the time. I learned from Peyton that I have to work hard to lose the weight and I don't have the time to do it here. Well, I do have the time...lots of time in the mornings while Peyton is at school...I actually spend two to three mornings a week bored at home because I have nothing to do BUT I can't do anything because I have Graham. There is no childcare at the gym, too hot to run and so I don't work out and sit at home being down. And the afternoons get filled up with play dates and by the time John gets home I am so worn out from dealing with kids at play dates, swimming etc (and Peyton is no longer napping) that I just want to curl up in bed and forget about the day.
• High - I get to see G and Papa and spend lots of time away from Saudi in 18 more days! And we are pretty busy with some stuff these next couple of weekends which is good. At this point I would leave early if it wasn't for some of the plans coming up and I know they will only help us feel more connected and make this feel more like home...some of the things I am looking forward to are ladies night with the Indian Women's Group who are hosting a "Night in India," an adult Halloween party, Halloween with Peyton and Graham, a baby shower, more riding lessons, a bazaar and one last trip to Bahrain to spend time as a family relaxing before I fly out.

I hate being so down and blah about living here and I keep praying that I find peace in where we are. None of this makes sense right now to John and I and we love to plan, know the answers and so this unknown...and five months of unknown...is so hard. Why are we here? How can we make this work better because right now it isn't. And of course the same day that I just about lost it (the lock out day) was also the day that John was feeling the same way and just wanted to throw in the towel....coincidence? I think not....but we are stronger than that and we both are trusting in Him, clinging to His promises that He is control of this because right now that is all I have.