Midweek Ramblings...

I am being bad about blogging for several reasons....

First, nothing is going on. We have a very redundant/boring routine going here and everyday is pretty much the same thing of trying to find things to do around the house, being too hot outside and calling about our shipment. Second, I have been really down and to prevent myself from just writing constant complaining posts I just have been avoiding the blog. Doesn't make much sense when I just wrote that considering I am blogging to keep people in the loop about life here and well right now life is stinky. I am not trying to hide that it is being hard but I am trying to keep myself from dwelling on the (many) bad parts that I am experiencing right now.

Anyways....here is what has been going on....

• We are still waiting to hear if our shipment has cleared customs. We are supposed to called in about three hours to find out. Pretty much if it doesn't leave customs today then we will not be getting our shipment until the middle of September. Huge bummer and really knocked me down hard.
• I finished my Lightroom photography course and am now even more bored. I loved taking it and learned so much. Maybe I can convince John on singing up for another one!
• We were supposed to leave for Abu Dhabi next Friday to see my sister however ALL of John's vacation requests are being challenged which means he might not have the next week off or the time we asked for Christmas. He was supposed to talk to management today and when I called him to ask how it went he told me he would talk to me at home about it and that he really loved me....doesn't sound good.
• If John doesn't have next week off, I am going to Abu Dhabi by myself. I am excited about getting away, spending time with my sister and I am fine with traveling by myself with the kids but I am sad that John won't be able to come with us and make those memories with us.
• And....if he doesn't get off for Christmas then our whole travel home plans are completely up in the air and lots of decisions need to be made on when we are going home, if John will go home, where we will spend Christmas. For the planner that I am...it stinks having your plan done and then it is blown apart.
• Peyton's birthday party is a week from tomorrow. I am excited for her know it is good for us to start making memories here but I am sad. It really makes this home now that she is having birthdays here and without our old friends and family.
• Graham has spent more of his life in Saudi than Texas :(
• We have a second showing for our house in League City today. I want it sold. I want the closure of knowing this is our home and we don't have anywhere to go back to. I want someone to make it their home and make their own memories there BUT I know I will be so sad when it sells because we had so many firsts and memories there.

So....this week has been tough. This move is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. It has shown me so much how I don't relinquish control of my life and trust in my Saviors provision. I thought I did. I thought that agreeing to move, going through that process while pregnant and with a newborn that I learned to trust, fall on my knees and say "I give it to You," BUT I apparently am not good at that. I like my plan, I like my way, I like to have control, know when and how things are happening and this is not the place for people like me. And you know the saddest part....I have had many opportunities since we have been here to realize the error of my way and fall on my face and ask for forgiveness but I haven't...instead I just get mad, depressed and blame everything and everyone besides myself and my pride. I just keep thinking about how when I am trying to parent Peyton and she constantly continues to do the one thing I told her not to and see consistently sees the same results which often are not pleasant but yet she still does it. I think to myself how stubborn she is and how I just don't understand how she can't figure out not to do it....but....isn't that what I am modeling for her. I am modeling self reliance, stubbornness, pride and lack of trust in our Father. I am failing. I feel so defeated. But I have a Savior, I have a rescuer and I have something greater than myself and my abilities to plan. And it annoys me that I don't always cling to that and time after time I continue to be self reliant. I am a stubborn toddler!

I could ramble more and more but I need to get lunch ready....as you can see....a rough couple of weeks for sure....

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Update:

John informed that he was told he was told this morning that he would not be allowed to take any vacation during the month of September or December. Not sure when he is allowed to us all of his vacation days but whatever. So, I am going to Abu Dhabi for a week by myself. We are driving together as a family on the Friday, John will fly to Saudi so I can have the car and then fly back the next weekend to pick us up....oh...and he won't see Peyton on her actual birthday. Nice. And I have to decide what to do about Christmas/December. I feel so knocked down right now....