Monday, March 28, 2011

It is not like riding a bike...

I don't have much time to blog....actually don't have much time to eat/shower/go to the bathroom....but I will try to get quick post in while Peyton is watching her morning cartoons and Graham is sleeping. Having another baby is not like riding a bike......when you learn to ride a bike you typically don't forget how to do it and when you try again years later, it will hopefully come naturally back to you. For the most part how to care for a baby has come back and in ways it know that they are supposed to sleep a bunch, you know how to give a bath/change a diaper/burp/how often to eat, basic schedule of a newborn, what is normal and what isn't etc...but there are still things that totally take you off guard. Things that you thought you would know how to do and would be even easier than before but apparently you don't and they are harder. For instance, breast feeding...I breastfed Peyton until she was 14 months old. I loved it! I loved the time it took because I could cuddle with her, interact with her and I felt connected. Besides the first couple of days at the hospital it was easy. She latched on well, quickly became an efficient eater so it really only took about 30 minutes pretty early on and overall it didn't feel like it was that much of a commitment or issue. Like I said...I did it for 14 months and was sad to stop so I must of enjoyed that time. This time however, to be honest I am having a hard time. My incinsion still hurts and so sitting and breastfeeding hurts. I hate the time it takes and hate sitting there feeding for 45-60 minutes. Mostly I hate the time because it takes me away from Peyton. Graham is not having an easy time of latching on and sometimes it still takes forever for him to latch on and he is not efficient so it takes forever for him to eat and then when he is apparently "done" after those 45-60 minutes, he burps and then frantically looks for more food and since I am so tired from feeding for the past hour, I get him a bottle of formula and he downs another 2-3 ounces easily. I am also feeding him closer to every 2.5 hours as opposed to starting to stretch to 4 like the doctor has suggested. So, I am having a hard time with the decision to breast feed. I made the commitment with both of them to give it 6-8 weeks because it takes time to get used to something new but unlike with Peyton I am concerned that we are getting closer to that deadline and it is not getting easier and I will quit and then I have to deal with all of the emotions of feeling guiltly that I breastfed Peyton and not Graham. I guess I will deal with that then... Another thing I have learned that isn't so much baby related but recovery related is that your recovery is not always easier. The early parts (first two weeks) of my recovery this time was easier but lately that has changed. Long story short, I noticed my incinsion being pretty painful and red, had a fever, experiencing chills/hot flashes and ended up spending five hours at the ER on Thursday night. After some blood work and a CT scan to check for an abssess...I was given an IV of antibiotics and a perscription for antibiotics and a diagnosis of cellutitits, a skin infection. What that visit also left me with was 48 hours of no breastfeeding. The CT scan had to be done with contrast which takes 24 hours to get out of your system and the radiologist suggested I wait 48 hours before feeding. So, I spent 48 hours pumping milk and dumping it down the drain while Graham got 48 hours of easy, no work, no latching on bottle feeding....certainly doesn't help in the improving breastfeeding area. I go back to my doctor today to check my incinsion and I think it looks a little better but is still red and swollen in some areas. To say the least, I am frustrated. I want to continue to progress in recovery and not take steps back. A pretty downer post I know but it is the truth....I am so thankful that God has blessed us with these two children but I want to be honest with life and how things are going because I am a firm believer that as a community of believers (or if you aren't a believer, a community of moms/women) that we need to be real and learn from each others experiences. So, no matter how wonderful both Peyton and Graham are or what a joy they are, it is hard and I am having a hard time physically and emotionally. I am trying to remember to draw near to God and focus on his promises in scripture...
"fear not, for I am with you;be not dismayed, for I am your God;I will strengthen you, I will help you,I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." —Isaiah 41:10

"The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights." - Habakkuk 3:19

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10


Stori said...

I am sorry that you are having such a tough time. Although it sounds like you are doing better than I would. I need to hold off on baby #2 for as long as possible since I have a hard time having even one!!! Oh my gosh, and recovering from a second c-section... OY!

I know breastfeeding is stressful, it is such a huge commitment, and you have to continually recommit yourself to it so its good that you are giving yourself some time. But if you have to quit, there is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about breastfeeding one longer than the other. That's just foolishness. I would just let that one go.

Nick's older sister was breastfed and he was strictly bottle fed because of his cleft palate (Dr recommended) and he's one of the healthiest people I know, in addition to being one of the smartest!!!

I am praying for you. Please keep blogging and showing us all how its done with TWO.

Ps. I think Graham looks more like your Dad and you than Peyton, just going by the pictures.

The Roaches... said...

I remember the feeling of frustration during my first month of recovery following my c-section. It felt like two steps forward and three steps back sometimes. If you go back and read my blog from August/September of 2010 (you can get to it from Laura's blog), you'll see that within a week after delivery, I had mastitis and a leaking incision. It was horrible and I only had one child. I think I cried more in that span of time than I have all year. :-) Somehow, I got through it. As my mom told me, this too shall pass.

As for breastfeeding, I will admit to having it pretty easy. However, when I went back to work, Alexandra decided she liked the bottle better. By December, she'd quit nursing and would scream until I gave her a bottle. It bothered me at first, but I quickly grew to like the much easier, more efficient feedings. I am actually still pumping and just giving her breastmilk in a bottle. As a side note, I totally sympathize with pouring breastmilk down the drain. That's painful!

Anyway-I hope things get better for you. At least Graham's a good eater no matter how he gets it!

Bryce & Kim said...

Reading this post sounded eerily familiar...

I had the same issues with breastfeeding Isaac. When he would latch (emphasis on the WHEN) he would eat for an hour then seem hungry 15 min later. We went on these vicious cycles of breastfeeding then formula. It was horrible, I can completely relate.

I know this isn't your first rodeo so I feel silly giving you advice... but keep working on it. I remember when Bryce's family visited for Thanksgiving I was still having to supplement with formula (Isaac was born Oct 2). We eventually worked it out and now it's a piece of cake!

Ultimately, if breastfeeding doesn't work out, don't beat yourself up about it. Graham will be a perfectly healthy little boy with or without breastmilk.

I'll pray for you and Graham, I know you can do it!!